I'm about to head out to see some family for Hanukah today. For the second time in the last few years I am going without presents for my little cousins.
Just too broke this year to pull it off. It's a little challenging to be grateful today for that but I am focusing my mind on how I'm going to work things better in 2010 to be able to have a stress free Hanukah and Christmas shopping season.
Having said that....
I was at a couple of parties yesterday that were fun. One to someone's place I barely know but who lives not far from me in Brooklyn. One to an old friend and his partner's, Tom (and Greg).
It is safe to say that my 30s were somewhat disastrous, divorce, semi homelessness, dad's suicide...it was really one of those get back up my feet, life kicks my ass back down kind of decades that lasted just a bit longer than 10 years.
My semi homelessness, due to under earning and the like resulted in me couch hopping awhile was about 12 years ago. The longest of those stays was at my friend Tom's. It was only supposed to last a few months, if that, while I gathered funds and found a place to live. This was slow going but then Tom got a gig working a show out of state and got the architecture firm he was working for as an admin to hire me in his place.
They were a few blocks away, nice folks and they paid really well. I worked every day and started a project that reorganized their storage closet and supply closet. (I'm fantastic at organizing other people's lives and things...my own?..not so much)
It was a good couple of months and I earned enough to easily afford the expenses of moving. About 3 or so weeks before Tom's return I began apartment hunting. One day I took a longish lunch and as I was leaving the office to take a look at apartments in a part of Manhattan, not far, where we once lived as a family, I ran into my dad. He lived still in the small apartment building he had moved into after my parents had split up and where I lived with him when I was in High School, only a few blocks away as well.
He wasn looking old. A couple of months shy of his 60th birthday he looked a good bit older than that, and shaky. I tried to talk him into coming with me but he came up with some lame excuse about having to buy milk and then spoke obsessively about the things in his life he was worrying about. I'll save the details of this for some other blog, but I shrugged it off, gave him a hug and said I'd come by soon and we'd have dinner.
A week or so later my dad's body was found after he shot himself with his own .357 magnum. I got the call from the cops as I got into work that day after seeing my daughter, then 7 in her school play. I left quickly, running the block and a half and getting into the old place....
I called the office, told them what was going on. They told me to do whatever I had to do and not to worry about returning as obviously I would have priorities.
Two days later the accountant for the firm came over to give me my last paycheck which included the time I would have worked up until Tom's return with no expectation of actually working those remaining days.
It is a generosity I can never forget and am grateful for every time I think about it.
I spent the next few months going through dad's things, straightening out his affairs as best as possible and holding my ass together through a pretty awful period.
The money I'd saved ended up keeping me fed over that time rather than moving expenses and the time that all of this required kept me from finding work.
I ended up living on Tom's couch for another year. Tom charged a small amount of rent and I took up his living room for that time until I was able to move. I know it was hard for him. He enjoyed his privacy and was a single gay man at the time, trying to change that while his straight friend was taking up half his place.
It was hard for me too. Couches do not make great beds. But it was a lot less hard than any alternative would have been.
Last night as I was hanging out at his party he said "I don't know how you got through all that." I told him. "Dude, YOU!" It's also true that during that time I had other amazing friends who stepped up and helped out in ways that were beyond reason. My brother had friends who were also very amazing.
I will be grateful to Tom and these other friends until I keel over and die at the age of 120. I can never ever thank them enough or love them enough for helping me through that.
Showing posts with label Friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friendship. Show all posts
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
What I meant to say was....
I'm not a fan of religion. In high school a friend described me as "Love God/Hate The Clergy". This was about right. Though back then I was more of an atheist so I didn't have much love for God either.
Since then I have passed through many belief systems and ideas. I have come to believe in God through experience, not other people telling me what to do or think. I have found ways to peace and God that have been very helpful not only to me, but to those I interact with and love, when I keep my discipline together. But I still dislike religion intensely. I find a peace and comfort sitting quietly in churches, but usually once someone starts telling how "how it is" and "what it is" my bullshit meter goes to red alert. Stop interrupting my experience of God and Love by telling me what its supposed to be rather than what it is in the moment.
I've been following this blog for the last few months and come to admire the woman behind it very much. While the blogosphere has no shortage of folks "journaling" their self exploration (yours truly no exception) I find Leslee's approach to be very earnest and honest and rather sweet.
So I was deeply disturbed by comments left on her last two blogs by two women, one of whom is her sister and the other a friend of many decades.
I left comments also, which you can see if you check the link and read through, but I chose to simply lend words of support with a mild dig to those two. Following, is what I would have said if I had no respect for Leslee and her blog at all. (I have no such respect for my own). I doubt they will read them, but I feel a deep need to let this all out.
This might be long. Bear with me and forgive me because I am not going to be remotely nice. These two women embody just about everything I loathe about devout anything. They happen to be "Christian" but my feelings apply to any religious dogma of any faith.
I say this often, to spell Dogma, you have to spell God backwards. 'nuff said. And now, my very judgmental, very uncompassionate rant.
Christi, you fatuous hypocritical judgmental bitch, let's start with you. Quotes will be in italic. My responses, bold.
And who is the ones with open minds? Even the Kings of Egypt had false Gods, but they lost their souls! I don’t want to gain the whole world and loose my soul! Read the Bible and look at what is going on in the world around you! Be open to see the evil, people in pain and hurting! Hungry children – don’t try to brag to the world about what charities you support. Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and you shall be saved!
Right, let the children starve, Let them die...as long as I feed my god's ego, I'm going to heaven, so fuck you anyone that is actually doing anything while I kneel on my fat ass and tell myself how wonderful I am.
Romans ch 4 – Abraham was rewarded righteousness from GOD (not Man) because Abraham believed God but yet Abraham was a liar, adulterous; Noah was a drunk – and we didn’t learn that in VBS – but he believed God and was FAITHFUL! King David was a adulterous; committed murder but he believed God and confessed his sins and because of God he was forgiven! It is not about dos and donts it’s about faith! Believing and trusting in one God, Yahweh – not Ganesha on your ankle!
Right, David was cruel bastard who had the husband of the woman he was fucking killed, but he went to heaven cause he believed in God. You can be a big douchebag, but have faith in God and it doesn't matter. Right.
So many people these days are coming out of the closet, and God trusting Christians are being pushed back in the closet
What closet, I can't go anywhere without seeing your hypocritical bullshit on TV, the news, posters, your posters of Obama as Hitler.....Oh I get it, apparently you are making a passive aggressive suggestion about Gay people. Good thing you aren't judgmental. And no, sorry honey, you're not judging with righteousness in your heart. You're doing it with fury and ego. So yeah, if there is a heaven and hell, I think you might be in for a surprise. And yes, that's me judging, at least I can be honest about it. I'm not hiding behind a book.
I serve a risen Savior – Christ the Lord! Praise God! Leslee you never call me or email me – I call you and ask about your life and what is going on with your family – you NEVER ask about my life or my family – you are so wrapped up in your world – your self-discovery that you can’t look beyond yourself. Just read your responses above it is all about your self! Just as it was growing up! Like when you visit I try extra hard to connect with my wonderful nieces – do you even hardly acknowlegde my children? NO! You don’t that is not what your life is about it is about SELF!
Who the hell would WANT to call you. If this is how you talk to people I'm sure they'd rather chew on aluminum foil. I'd sooner shave my head with a cheese grater.
Yes I believe in the devil and I believe he comes out in all kinds of ways. In people, crisis, circumstanes, etc… It never fails that when I am closest to God he tries to pull me away thru different avenues. Your blog for one – I am going to have to try to sustain from it.
The word is ABstain. I guess the devil kept you from learning vocabulary or proper spelling. Or you COULD open a dictionary. And LEARN something beyond your narrow thinking. You COULD take responsibility for your actions and actually grow from them, like your sister does. Nah, nevermind, blame it on something external. Stay on that fat assed kneel.
I want to support you and who you are but not at the price of peace! Peace is a wonderful thing and my life is so busy and hectic that I don’t need to let things upset me! I have never judged you –
You might be funnier than John Stewart.
you are who you are now – I miss the old you – yes there was an old you – but old things pass away and now we go on.
No, that's not judging at all.
I believe life is about loving others and showing Jesus’ love thru us! I try not to focus on myself sometimes I do but I try to focus on others and showing them his love thru me that I feel fulfilled – some people can’t look beyond theirselves. I pray I never get that way! I have acknowledged that people are the way they are because of their parents, spouse and friends – everyone has choices. I try not to judge them because in actuality we ALL are disfuntional people – it is the real world! No one person is perfect only Jesus Christ! Love you girl!
So, its bad to brag about charity, but its ok to brag about what a hard working Christian you are...I got it.
Below though is the crux of it. An older sister jealous of her younger sister because she wasn't beaten by an abusive father as she was. Understandable...and despite what I've been saying my heart is broken for you to have suffered that. But its interesting how you throw it in your sister's face and then utterly replace your father with God as a pacifier for a pain you have yet to face and deal with. It's interesting that you chose to use words of violence to describe how 'finding God' changed you. I'm sure you think you were being creative, but its obvious to someone as not all that smart as me, that you have a long way to go before you understand yourself, OR God.
No, I wouldn’t agree you are the black sheep, I would agree that you are different than me. You were spoiled rotten as a child, you were the baby of the family, Mom gave you everything you ever wanted and more! I don’t know that you ever experienced any of the beatings that I did, I believe maybe one but Dad had went from abusing me to not spanking at all by the time you got old enough for that. So would the fact that he beat me make me a black sheep? I am so sorry that you feel that way – you know I love you always and think the world of you. You are my baby sister and no matter what you do or say you will always hold a special place in my heart! I am saved thanks to God and do believe because of that I will go to heaven when my Father returns for me! I believe in the King James Version of the Bible, I don’t believe in chanting to anyone!!!!! I believe Jesus died on the cross for you and me and everyone else and we choose to love him and live for him as we will. My Father forgives me for my sins, past, present and future because of what Jesus did on the cross! He was beaten and bruised for OUR transgrassions! I can’t wait to see loved ones in Heaven one day, especially Aunt Ella, Aunt Elma and Uncle Frank who set very BIG GODLY impression on me as well as showed me his LOVE! I don’t think I should be treated any differently because I have strong beliefs as well! Yes I do pray for you; I pray for ALL of my family all the time. The prayers are usually the same I pray for your family and I pray for Cynthia’s family. I don’t pray any differently for either one of you just so you know! Thanks for sharing your feelings; I felt as though I needed to share mine! I love you always!
Leslee talked about her sense of otherness in her own family. It's not unusual. There is always someone that feels that way. You start off by saying she isn't a black sheep, then you call her spoiled rotten and essentially trash her. She did nothing of the sort in her blog post to you. She simply pointed out why she felt different.
There is a definite difference though. She's likable and sincere. You say what you think you need to say so you can go to Heaven.
Also, spelling and grammar...look into it.
Now its your turn, Laurie.
Girl…. I know I haven’t called you yet – because I am not sure what to say to you.. but this is to your soul… You are going down a lonely path of self discovery – life is not about you and your discovery – life is about what you can do for others, when and why did you become so self centered… You really need to get right with God – God is not a feeling or here to make you feel good – he is the creator and has written a book to show you the way – why don’t you spend your time reading that book (the bible) instead of learning about all of this non sense.
Since you are too much of a coward to have a heart to heart with your friend, but apparently perfectly comfortable judging her in public I don't see how you believe for a second that you are right with anything, let alone God.
Oh, I don't know if you noticed. God didn't actually write the book. Also its been severely edited. Learn history. Its even being edited now by zealots who want to remove anything that sounds remotely Liberal. Also, Constantine, you might have heard of him, look it up beyond what you've been spoonfed and get off your friend's ass.
Hell is a lonely place and you will never know how lonely life can be for an atheist – always searching – you don’t just check in with Jesus – he fills you with joy.
And Christi is right you were the prize kid and your parents did everything for you and your friends – they were so proud of you and your family has picked you up so many times – how dare you bash them blog after blog – it is ungrateful and I hope you never feel the pain you are putting them through by Bella and Callie. Your family is who really LOVEs you and you know they may not approve but they will and have be there for you every crazy step of your way –
I am not an atheist, far from it, but I know many. And many of them are incredibly happy, loving and generous people. They are also deeply moral. None of them are any lonelier than many Christians I know. Speak from what you actually know...again, not from where you are spoonfed.
Here is more about the book Living on the ragged edge.
While many Christian books encourage thoughts about God’s love and kindness, it’s also good to see life as it really is in this world. Swindoll pulls no punches as he describes the emptiness of living to please self instead of God.
Among the many excellent points Swindoll covers are:
1. People focus on the external appearances while God focuses on the heart.
Where is your heart, Laurie. I don't see it. It's too clouded by your venomous language and judgment.
2. God can work through you in mighty ways if you let Him.
How are you so sure he isn't working through Leslee? Or do you have it all figured out already? If that's the case, why bother saying anything.
3. Wise counsel for those under pressure.
From God, yes. From judgmental, lonely and angry people...not so much.
4. The world’s movers and shakers are also often the most lonely people on earth.
No one with common sense needs only a Christian to see that.
5. Different world-views and their weaknesses.
Right, not judgmental at all
6. How to handle the mysteries of life.
You can also find this in Judaism, Buddhism, Sikhism and Islam. As well as Pagan. Oh I'm sorry, did that upset your sensibilities? Only the faith YOU believe in is valid. Nope, no ego there.
7. Excellent counsel on how to get the most out of life.
Again, not exclusive to your religion
8. What keeps us from pursuing happiness.
What's keeping you? I don't notice anything happy about you.
An excellent and highly recommended book, be encouraged and challenged to seek God’s wisdom instead of the wisdom of the world!
I know too many devout and religious Christians who are terribly unhappy to buy this for a second.
Finally to both of you. IF there is a Heaven and Hell, I believe wholeheartedly that your souls will burn eternally for your hypocrisy. God does see and notice action over words. He feels love over judgment and he smiles upon it. He does not care about politics or petty earthly things. And he doesn't have an ego that constantly needs your worship.
Leslee chose to respect both your privacy, in her posts while remaining honest to herself and her journey. You both decided to make it a "bash Lesleefest".
The God I know insists you get on your knees and beg forgiveness for being such a piss poor excuse of a sister and "friend"...AND a Christian.
Sucks to be judged, doesn't it.
Since then I have passed through many belief systems and ideas. I have come to believe in God through experience, not other people telling me what to do or think. I have found ways to peace and God that have been very helpful not only to me, but to those I interact with and love, when I keep my discipline together. But I still dislike religion intensely. I find a peace and comfort sitting quietly in churches, but usually once someone starts telling how "how it is" and "what it is" my bullshit meter goes to red alert. Stop interrupting my experience of God and Love by telling me what its supposed to be rather than what it is in the moment.
I've been following this blog for the last few months and come to admire the woman behind it very much. While the blogosphere has no shortage of folks "journaling" their self exploration (yours truly no exception) I find Leslee's approach to be very earnest and honest and rather sweet.
So I was deeply disturbed by comments left on her last two blogs by two women, one of whom is her sister and the other a friend of many decades.
I left comments also, which you can see if you check the link and read through, but I chose to simply lend words of support with a mild dig to those two. Following, is what I would have said if I had no respect for Leslee and her blog at all. (I have no such respect for my own). I doubt they will read them, but I feel a deep need to let this all out.
This might be long. Bear with me and forgive me because I am not going to be remotely nice. These two women embody just about everything I loathe about devout anything. They happen to be "Christian" but my feelings apply to any religious dogma of any faith.
I say this often, to spell Dogma, you have to spell God backwards. 'nuff said. And now, my very judgmental, very uncompassionate rant.
Christi, you fatuous hypocritical judgmental bitch, let's start with you. Quotes will be in italic. My responses, bold.
And who is the ones with open minds? Even the Kings of Egypt had false Gods, but they lost their souls! I don’t want to gain the whole world and loose my soul! Read the Bible and look at what is going on in the world around you! Be open to see the evil, people in pain and hurting! Hungry children – don’t try to brag to the world about what charities you support. Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and you shall be saved!
Right, let the children starve, Let them die...as long as I feed my god's ego, I'm going to heaven, so fuck you anyone that is actually doing anything while I kneel on my fat ass and tell myself how wonderful I am.
Romans ch 4 – Abraham was rewarded righteousness from GOD (not Man) because Abraham believed God but yet Abraham was a liar, adulterous; Noah was a drunk – and we didn’t learn that in VBS – but he believed God and was FAITHFUL! King David was a adulterous; committed murder but he believed God and confessed his sins and because of God he was forgiven! It is not about dos and donts it’s about faith! Believing and trusting in one God, Yahweh – not Ganesha on your ankle!
Right, David was cruel bastard who had the husband of the woman he was fucking killed, but he went to heaven cause he believed in God. You can be a big douchebag, but have faith in God and it doesn't matter. Right.
So many people these days are coming out of the closet, and God trusting Christians are being pushed back in the closet
What closet, I can't go anywhere without seeing your hypocritical bullshit on TV, the news, posters, your posters of Obama as Hitler.....Oh I get it, apparently you are making a passive aggressive suggestion about Gay people. Good thing you aren't judgmental. And no, sorry honey, you're not judging with righteousness in your heart. You're doing it with fury and ego. So yeah, if there is a heaven and hell, I think you might be in for a surprise. And yes, that's me judging, at least I can be honest about it. I'm not hiding behind a book.
I serve a risen Savior – Christ the Lord! Praise God! Leslee you never call me or email me – I call you and ask about your life and what is going on with your family – you NEVER ask about my life or my family – you are so wrapped up in your world – your self-discovery that you can’t look beyond yourself. Just read your responses above it is all about your self! Just as it was growing up! Like when you visit I try extra hard to connect with my wonderful nieces – do you even hardly acknowlegde my children? NO! You don’t that is not what your life is about it is about SELF!
Who the hell would WANT to call you. If this is how you talk to people I'm sure they'd rather chew on aluminum foil. I'd sooner shave my head with a cheese grater.
Yes I believe in the devil and I believe he comes out in all kinds of ways. In people, crisis, circumstanes, etc… It never fails that when I am closest to God he tries to pull me away thru different avenues. Your blog for one – I am going to have to try to sustain from it.
The word is ABstain. I guess the devil kept you from learning vocabulary or proper spelling. Or you COULD open a dictionary. And LEARN something beyond your narrow thinking. You COULD take responsibility for your actions and actually grow from them, like your sister does. Nah, nevermind, blame it on something external. Stay on that fat assed kneel.
I want to support you and who you are but not at the price of peace! Peace is a wonderful thing and my life is so busy and hectic that I don’t need to let things upset me! I have never judged you –
You might be funnier than John Stewart.
you are who you are now – I miss the old you – yes there was an old you – but old things pass away and now we go on.
No, that's not judging at all.
I believe life is about loving others and showing Jesus’ love thru us! I try not to focus on myself sometimes I do but I try to focus on others and showing them his love thru me that I feel fulfilled – some people can’t look beyond theirselves. I pray I never get that way! I have acknowledged that people are the way they are because of their parents, spouse and friends – everyone has choices. I try not to judge them because in actuality we ALL are disfuntional people – it is the real world! No one person is perfect only Jesus Christ! Love you girl!
So, its bad to brag about charity, but its ok to brag about what a hard working Christian you are...I got it.
Below though is the crux of it. An older sister jealous of her younger sister because she wasn't beaten by an abusive father as she was. Understandable...and despite what I've been saying my heart is broken for you to have suffered that. But its interesting how you throw it in your sister's face and then utterly replace your father with God as a pacifier for a pain you have yet to face and deal with. It's interesting that you chose to use words of violence to describe how 'finding God' changed you. I'm sure you think you were being creative, but its obvious to someone as not all that smart as me, that you have a long way to go before you understand yourself, OR God.
No, I wouldn’t agree you are the black sheep, I would agree that you are different than me. You were spoiled rotten as a child, you were the baby of the family, Mom gave you everything you ever wanted and more! I don’t know that you ever experienced any of the beatings that I did, I believe maybe one but Dad had went from abusing me to not spanking at all by the time you got old enough for that. So would the fact that he beat me make me a black sheep? I am so sorry that you feel that way – you know I love you always and think the world of you. You are my baby sister and no matter what you do or say you will always hold a special place in my heart! I am saved thanks to God and do believe because of that I will go to heaven when my Father returns for me! I believe in the King James Version of the Bible, I don’t believe in chanting to anyone!!!!! I believe Jesus died on the cross for you and me and everyone else and we choose to love him and live for him as we will. My Father forgives me for my sins, past, present and future because of what Jesus did on the cross! He was beaten and bruised for OUR transgrassions! I can’t wait to see loved ones in Heaven one day, especially Aunt Ella, Aunt Elma and Uncle Frank who set very BIG GODLY impression on me as well as showed me his LOVE! I don’t think I should be treated any differently because I have strong beliefs as well! Yes I do pray for you; I pray for ALL of my family all the time. The prayers are usually the same I pray for your family and I pray for Cynthia’s family. I don’t pray any differently for either one of you just so you know! Thanks for sharing your feelings; I felt as though I needed to share mine! I love you always!
Leslee talked about her sense of otherness in her own family. It's not unusual. There is always someone that feels that way. You start off by saying she isn't a black sheep, then you call her spoiled rotten and essentially trash her. She did nothing of the sort in her blog post to you. She simply pointed out why she felt different.
There is a definite difference though. She's likable and sincere. You say what you think you need to say so you can go to Heaven.
Also, spelling and grammar...look into it.
Now its your turn, Laurie.
Girl…. I know I haven’t called you yet – because I am not sure what to say to you.. but this is to your soul… You are going down a lonely path of self discovery – life is not about you and your discovery – life is about what you can do for others, when and why did you become so self centered… You really need to get right with God – God is not a feeling or here to make you feel good – he is the creator and has written a book to show you the way – why don’t you spend your time reading that book (the bible) instead of learning about all of this non sense.
Since you are too much of a coward to have a heart to heart with your friend, but apparently perfectly comfortable judging her in public I don't see how you believe for a second that you are right with anything, let alone God.
Oh, I don't know if you noticed. God didn't actually write the book. Also its been severely edited. Learn history. Its even being edited now by zealots who want to remove anything that sounds remotely Liberal. Also, Constantine, you might have heard of him, look it up beyond what you've been spoonfed and get off your friend's ass.
Hell is a lonely place and you will never know how lonely life can be for an atheist – always searching – you don’t just check in with Jesus – he fills you with joy.
And Christi is right you were the prize kid and your parents did everything for you and your friends – they were so proud of you and your family has picked you up so many times – how dare you bash them blog after blog – it is ungrateful and I hope you never feel the pain you are putting them through by Bella and Callie. Your family is who really LOVEs you and you know they may not approve but they will and have be there for you every crazy step of your way –
I am not an atheist, far from it, but I know many. And many of them are incredibly happy, loving and generous people. They are also deeply moral. None of them are any lonelier than many Christians I know. Speak from what you actually know...again, not from where you are spoonfed.
Here is more about the book Living on the ragged edge.
While many Christian books encourage thoughts about God’s love and kindness, it’s also good to see life as it really is in this world. Swindoll pulls no punches as he describes the emptiness of living to please self instead of God.
Among the many excellent points Swindoll covers are:
1. People focus on the external appearances while God focuses on the heart.
Where is your heart, Laurie. I don't see it. It's too clouded by your venomous language and judgment.
2. God can work through you in mighty ways if you let Him.
How are you so sure he isn't working through Leslee? Or do you have it all figured out already? If that's the case, why bother saying anything.
3. Wise counsel for those under pressure.
From God, yes. From judgmental, lonely and angry people...not so much.
4. The world’s movers and shakers are also often the most lonely people on earth.
No one with common sense needs only a Christian to see that.
5. Different world-views and their weaknesses.
Right, not judgmental at all
6. How to handle the mysteries of life.
You can also find this in Judaism, Buddhism, Sikhism and Islam. As well as Pagan. Oh I'm sorry, did that upset your sensibilities? Only the faith YOU believe in is valid. Nope, no ego there.
7. Excellent counsel on how to get the most out of life.
Again, not exclusive to your religion
8. What keeps us from pursuing happiness.
What's keeping you? I don't notice anything happy about you.
An excellent and highly recommended book, be encouraged and challenged to seek God’s wisdom instead of the wisdom of the world!
I know too many devout and religious Christians who are terribly unhappy to buy this for a second.
Finally to both of you. IF there is a Heaven and Hell, I believe wholeheartedly that your souls will burn eternally for your hypocrisy. God does see and notice action over words. He feels love over judgment and he smiles upon it. He does not care about politics or petty earthly things. And he doesn't have an ego that constantly needs your worship.
Leslee chose to respect both your privacy, in her posts while remaining honest to herself and her journey. You both decided to make it a "bash Lesleefest".
The God I know insists you get on your knees and beg forgiveness for being such a piss poor excuse of a sister and "friend"...AND a Christian.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Connec_tion
Several years ago I stumbled onto character roleplay online. It evolved by accident just from hanging out in chatrooms on the old yahoo and the old AOL. Overtime it has become a kind of creative lifeline for me. A place where I get my writing yayas out.
It started out as something to do online when I was bored. But eventually it evolved into almost an addiction.
It has been an unwitting path to self discovery in many ways too. More on that some other time.
It's given me ideas for stories that are floating around one day to finally be put to more practical use and its kept me creative during my fallow times. I'm actor who has been too broke for a long time to be able to take the smallest of jobs and so the role playing exercises both the writing and acting impulses.
After my accident, when I was hospital and then home bound for several months, this was a real lifeline. I had plenty of corporeal friends visiting, but not all the time...and when you can't do a lot of walking and you have seen every single rerun available, staying creatively alive is a godsend.
One particular venue that I've been spending my time in for the last few years has been quite an adventure. Without going into detail, I have managed to bond with people and have some very terrific roleplay that has caused me to actually start writing on a particular character I've created to see if I can get a novel of some kind out of it.
And then there are friendships. It's become common now through Facebook, Twitter and all these venues for perfect strangers to become friends (and sometimes lovers) despite (perhaps at times because of) distance. Sometimes you even get to meet the people you chat/play with. I went to see one of the old Batman movies with an entire gang of friends from a comic book venue I was hanging out in. And I've met and been to weddings of friends I've roleplayed with.
One could argue that I spend more time than I should,here, but its been worth it to me.
A few months ago I met an RPer whom I will call James. Now in the venue where I am these days I've had a particularly hard time connecting with other guy RPers. Most I have found were posing jerks using RP to compensate for ego issues. He was one of the rare males that I found it possible to have intelligent role play and conversation with. About my age, also divorced though happy in his second marriage and family. His wife also roleplays and I enjoyed getting to know them both. We also had daughters who were about the same age. There was a lot in common to talk and joke over.
We didn't get terribly close, but it was clear that we were going to become pretty good friends and enjoy some adventurous RP.
Yesterday morning James died. He had fallen ill very suddenly about 3 or so weeks ago and had been in and out of the hospital. His wife would leave updates here and there on a chat board they had set up. Sometimes he would come online from the hospital and it seemed like he was getting better. Then this last week things just spiraled completely out of control. If any of you remember the end of Jimmy Smits' character on NYPD Blue, it felt very much like that. Something rare, seemingly innocuous turns out to be relentless, cruel and random, but this was no tired actor retiring from a TV show.
I spent yesterday in a daze, mourning a friend I barely knew and had never met. Mourning for his wife and children. I spent a lot of energy thinking about connections. How modern life has changed the way we relate to each other for good or ill. I'm of course pondering my own mortality since James and I were of the same age.
Maybe its unhealthy to have bonds with people you don't know. Maybe its a blessing. I know this. James's wife had so many messages on the chat board itself of condolence, love and support, in addition to the real time help I am sure she is getting, that its impossible for me to think its a bad.
I consider my life better for having known him however briefly. I consider my life better for other friendships I have made as well. Some very close indeed. Very rewarding and inspiring.
I'm grateful for all of my friends, both "real" and "virtual". My life is greatly enhanced by presence and meaning in my life. I hope very deeply that their lives are enhanced by mine as well.
Rest in Peace James. Thank you.
It started out as something to do online when I was bored. But eventually it evolved into almost an addiction.
It has been an unwitting path to self discovery in many ways too. More on that some other time.
It's given me ideas for stories that are floating around one day to finally be put to more practical use and its kept me creative during my fallow times. I'm actor who has been too broke for a long time to be able to take the smallest of jobs and so the role playing exercises both the writing and acting impulses.
After my accident, when I was hospital and then home bound for several months, this was a real lifeline. I had plenty of corporeal friends visiting, but not all the time...and when you can't do a lot of walking and you have seen every single rerun available, staying creatively alive is a godsend.
One particular venue that I've been spending my time in for the last few years has been quite an adventure. Without going into detail, I have managed to bond with people and have some very terrific roleplay that has caused me to actually start writing on a particular character I've created to see if I can get a novel of some kind out of it.
And then there are friendships. It's become common now through Facebook, Twitter and all these venues for perfect strangers to become friends (and sometimes lovers) despite (perhaps at times because of) distance. Sometimes you even get to meet the people you chat/play with. I went to see one of the old Batman movies with an entire gang of friends from a comic book venue I was hanging out in. And I've met and been to weddings of friends I've roleplayed with.
One could argue that I spend more time than I should,here, but its been worth it to me.
A few months ago I met an RPer whom I will call James. Now in the venue where I am these days I've had a particularly hard time connecting with other guy RPers. Most I have found were posing jerks using RP to compensate for ego issues. He was one of the rare males that I found it possible to have intelligent role play and conversation with. About my age, also divorced though happy in his second marriage and family. His wife also roleplays and I enjoyed getting to know them both. We also had daughters who were about the same age. There was a lot in common to talk and joke over.
We didn't get terribly close, but it was clear that we were going to become pretty good friends and enjoy some adventurous RP.
Yesterday morning James died. He had fallen ill very suddenly about 3 or so weeks ago and had been in and out of the hospital. His wife would leave updates here and there on a chat board they had set up. Sometimes he would come online from the hospital and it seemed like he was getting better. Then this last week things just spiraled completely out of control. If any of you remember the end of Jimmy Smits' character on NYPD Blue, it felt very much like that. Something rare, seemingly innocuous turns out to be relentless, cruel and random, but this was no tired actor retiring from a TV show.
I spent yesterday in a daze, mourning a friend I barely knew and had never met. Mourning for his wife and children. I spent a lot of energy thinking about connections. How modern life has changed the way we relate to each other for good or ill. I'm of course pondering my own mortality since James and I were of the same age.
Maybe its unhealthy to have bonds with people you don't know. Maybe its a blessing. I know this. James's wife had so many messages on the chat board itself of condolence, love and support, in addition to the real time help I am sure she is getting, that its impossible for me to think its a bad.
I consider my life better for having known him however briefly. I consider my life better for other friendships I have made as well. Some very close indeed. Very rewarding and inspiring.
I'm grateful for all of my friends, both "real" and "virtual". My life is greatly enhanced by presence and meaning in my life. I hope very deeply that their lives are enhanced by mine as well.
Rest in Peace James. Thank you.
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