Twelve Years

Twelve years ago this week I was spending my days going through my father's apartment with my brother. Dad had shot himself on the 9th and his body was found by his oldest friend in New York on the 12th. Twelve years ago Wednesday.

Twelve years ago I was sifting through grief, memory and questions questions questions. Not the ones you might think. The fact is, when I got the call from my brother that the police had called him from Dad's apartment, I knew what had happened. I'd hoped I was wrong. But I knew.

Mom said it best that night when we called to let her know. "He was always so sad". It was true. He was also scared. Whatever the combination, he had a dim world view.

I loved my dad. He was basically a good man who never really dealt with his anger issues, his alcoholism or his strengths. A talented actor, he'd packed us up from Tucson Arizona, sold the Ford Falcon and got us on a train to New York City and went straight into substitute teaching and social work. His career as an actor was essentially small productions in holes in the wall (before the moniker "Off Off Broadway" was coined.) and extra work in movies.

As a kid I would listen while he would lament the vagaries of the business and how hard it was...and it instilled in me the belief that the business was indeed brutal. It didn't stop me from wanting to be an actor. It didn't stop me from thinking I could do better. But these things are insidious and the sins of the father are often visited upon the son. His beliefs did become mine and even when I achieved some pretty good if minor successes, my joy would be tainted by fear of the success not lasting.

Now to be sure, being an actor isn't easy. It can be brutal, but I can see very clearly as I look back how my own thoughts and feelings that were inherited affected the way I approached my career and subsequently the way my career developed...or didn't as it turns out.

Twelve years ago fears and doubts overtook my father to the point that he no longer was able to reason. This man who raced down the street with me...encouraged me to take the training wheels off my back when he knew I could. The man who when he saw I was floundering in my efforts to audition for the High School of Performing Arts bought a gazillion plays for me to look through and helped me find the right pieces and even coached me. A man who as a social worker had saved or improved as best he could, so many lives, wasn't even able to remember a simple meditation technique because anxiety had overcome him.

He'd been given Buspar and started to take it, then stopped. 12 years ago it got so bad that he sat at the edge of his bed and ate the barrel of a .357 magnum. He left a note that was really more of an excuse than anything else. Fears of a cancer that didn't exist.
Two weeks later, the girl he wanted to marry, a dancer from Japan was finally allowed back into the country. He'd become convinced it wouldn't happen after months of legal back and forth. Fear of being alone and abandoned convinced him that his life wouldn't work out as he desired. So it seems he decided to just stop trying.
12 years later I still wrestle with loving him and hating him. Remembering his capacity for compassion for everyone while he seemed to only have pity for himself. I am sometimes on the edge of forgiving him. And then I remember having to tell my daughter what happened. I remember how as she is now almost 20 years old, she can't play chess because that's what she used to do with Grandpa. I can't quite do it.
For the past 12 years, for about 3 weeks before and after the anniversaries, he shows up in my dreams. Sometimes as if he's never been gone, sometimes as if he's only been on some trip in South America or something and we all just THOUGHT he was dead.I forget about it...forget it's that time of year...sometimes even the days of his actual death or the day he was found go by entirely unnoticed. Sometimes not.
Twelve years later I can watch Dirty Harry make one line comments about his Magnum and still get a kick out of it. But when Heroes first aired and there was an episode with half a skull being cut off and brains removed, I get completely worked up.
I wrestle with fear too. And it's not hard to see how it keeps me from acting. Clouds my thinking. I've made a decades long struggle of shifting from "can't" to "can". It hasn't been easy.
Twelve years ago I cremated my father. Twelve years later I'm still cremating parts of his legacy so I can rise from the ashes.

Something in the air?

If you follow me on Twitter at all you know that I was laid off this weekend. Which in and of itself is weird because I don't work on weekends. Or haven't in awhile. But there it is.

The third party that I had been temping with for the last almost 3 years let a bunch of us go in a last minute decision to cut costs, right when work was actually starting to get busy again. I'd blame the bank, but it's the third party that made the decision and..well...more on them another time.

They were good enough to offer 2 weeks of severance which in the Temp World is pretty much unheard of, so it took the edge of. It helps that my agency at least appeared to be on top of finding me work from moment one.
However, things seem to suddenly be at a standstill after a lot of language about getting things moving. Last week, before the layoff, I had called about possibly moving over to a legal firm where A-the money is a little better, and B-generally different (better) working conditions. I was told that right now they are only really hiring people who have been in it for awhile. Now we are all being encouraged to submit for it. So which is it, they are hiring or not hiring?

Then there was the rush to get me into a 4 hour training to prep for a test for another bank because that bank is apparently in a big hurry to hire. We get the training...time passes and there is absolutely no information on when this actual test is supposed to happen. 

Now the direct deposit for this week failed and the day after it still seems to be failing. So I'm operating with 9 dollars in the bank and a pending child support check to my ex wife that will bounce.

Is the Universe trying to tell me something about continuing as a temp? At least with this agency?

I'm not in the mood

I haven't blogged since New Years. I haven't felt like it.

No, that's not it. I've felt too much like it. Sort of.

I hate every idea that pops in my head, every opinion that circles my psyche.

I'm sick of myself.

Alright...that's kind of harsh. But its the clearest way of expressing it I can come up with...and its in my nature to be hard on myself.

Something comes up and I think...yeah I'll blog on that...then I think...oh who gives a shit.

I don't really know where this is coming from. But it is what it is.

I'm not in the mood.

So...in the end, I write about not being in the mood to write. So there.

Recovery? Seriously?

The news is blaring about how the Recession is over.

Well, this is technically true. A Recession is marked by 3 quarters in a row of negative growth. As we have just had a quarter of growth, the recession is over.....
For now.

I'm not an economist and despite my admiration for a few of them I don't have a whole lot of respect for the study anyway. It's all theory, sometimes you can base a theory on history, but its still theory.

We base our perspective on our economy in this country on Gross Domestic Product or GDP, this is a number that comes out of analyzing the value of goods produced and consumer spending. This is taken from a bunch of numbers that are amassed and run through mathematical formulas on some genius' spreadsheet.

Liars like Maria Bartiromo go on about how what's good for Wall Street is what's good for Main Street. But we know this woman has no knowledge of history and is also married to one very rich honcho. Out of touch much, bitch? And Jim Cramer goes on and on and on about absolutely nothing. Gets everything wrong on every count and somehow we still ask him how we are doing...Like he fucking knows his ass from his checkbook.

But to my mind, there is only one true measuring stick to how well the economy of a nation is going. A simple two part question.

Does everyone who wants/needs a job have one and are they earning enough to thrive?

By thrive I mean, 3 meals a day, a decent roof over your head and the ability to save for an improved future for you and your family.

A simple question with a simple answer. Yes or No.

The answer is still a resounding NO.

Why I might stop watching Keith Olbermann.

I hate the News.

Not the news itself, the News. The personality driven, gameshow host, ha ha I got you, I only listen to what I wanna hear, I'm too lazy to do anything but quote what was told to me as opposed to doing my job, oh look who got his dick wet where he shouldn't have...Afghanistan? Huh? News.

I'm sick of this shit.

And as much as I love Keith Olbermann I'd be a hypocrite not to acknowledge that he is a part of it. Rachel too.

Here comes Grumpy Old Man. When I was a kid, there used to be documentaries on TV. Mainstream 3 broadcast network TV on serious issues. Now we have entire series devoted to being in prison. We used to have Special Reports, now we get Special Comments.

I love special comments. I love that Keith Olbermann almost single-handedly changed and continues to change the political news landscape to one where we Liberals get to fluster and puff too.

But here's the thing. What we need, what we really need, is not going over every day who said what to whom, who's writing a book, who is lieing and who is telling the truth, but comprehensive analysis of the issues.

We know Fox will never do that. MSNBC has decided to become the more liberal side of that argument with the exception of Joe Scarborough in the morning. I don't know what the fuck CNN has become. That network hasn't been worth shit since they gave that idiot Wolf Blitzer his own show.

Yesterday I caught that snide smug bitch Campbell Brown being indignant that David Letterman hadn't realized how his current staff would suffer from constant press calls due to the recent revelation of his affairs. She was actually laughing at him for having the audacity to prioritize his career, his colleagues and his family over it not occurring to him that his staff would be inundated with insinuating phone calls from a press too lazy to cover, oh say, the actual questions of what a Public Option is, or the history of Afghanistan and its wars. CNN has Anderson Cooper and Christiane Amenpour. Everyone else isn't worth a bad fuck in an alleyway let alone having a news show.

MSNBC barely has a news show anymore...It's all news interviews but no actual coverage. FOX...well, FOX is just a rag paper to promote the agenda of an aged, depraved and greedy man from Australia and the known liar Roger Ailes.

Only The News Hour with Jim Lehrer is news coverage that actually deserves the moniker. They pick one or two of the days stories and devote the entire time to those stories including a real analysis. Then once a week they have Mark Shields and David Brooks discuss and somewhat debate, in a reasonable tone the week's events.

We need indepth documentaries on the various healthcare systems around the world. Not this he said she said crap. We need a history of the nations we are at war with to understand how they got to where they are and what has worked and what hasn't.

We need to stop the finger-pointing journalism. We don't need Keith to tell us that Sean Hannity is a douchebag, much as I LOVE “Worst Person In The World”. For most thinking people, its a given.

We're never going to get it though. Once Ted Turner sold CNN to Time Warner and NBC decided to run something with Microsoft and Fox decided to abandon covering the news altogether, it was all over.

At this point, we only have ourselves to blame that we have ignorant people who can't spell marching on Washington and declaring Glenn Beck a hero, because we are all we've got.

We can watch our people on the “news” networks for comfort. That's fine. But we can't stop there because clearly no one is going to use those forums to educate us beyond who is good and who is bad.

If MSNBC or CNN ever decide they really want to be taken seriously, they will stop playing Fox's game and start covering the news and offering indepth coverage and analysis of real issues.

Until then, I think I might just stick to Dollhouse and Fringe. Ironically Fox shows. Though if Fox keeps fucking Dollhouse up the ass the way it has been I may give up on Fringe too.

A political pondering

Following is a comment I left in response to 2MorrowKnight's blog entry on Huffington Post stating why he thinks that 2010, despite pundit predictions of doom for Obama, will prove otherwise. (Yes, my ID at Huffpo is Wondering Imriel. Some of you will know what that references)

I think it remains to be seen whether the energy and enthusiasm that the Obama campaign brought to itself will translate into Congressional elections.

Will that same demographic remain as enthusiastic and involved for their local representatives and/or Senators? I don't know that there's any indication that they will.

While the teabaggers are hypocritical by definition and much smaller in number than they would have us believe, they are loud and very active and enthusiastic.

Obama's poll numbers jumped after his speech on Healthcare Reform, proving two things: 1- He is still well liked and trusted and 2-the myth that he is over exposed is just that, a myth and wishful thinking on the part of anyone that makes that statement.

Will he be strong enough to have coattails in 2010? I hope so, for the most part. I do predict that whatever gains the Right may make next year, they will be harder fought than they think. Hope is still a greater ally than resentment, and resentment is all the Right has right now. Resentment and Dick Armey's funding.

I'd say Sanford and Sin, but its been taken a gazillion times over already

(Saturday morning revision: Now that Sanford has likened himself to King David, I have lost all sympathy I might have had for him. I still think the following is worth pondering, but he can go fuck himself now as far as I'm concerned.)


About 3 years ago I was introduced to a series of books by Jacqueline Carey that have come to be known as Kushiel’s Legacy. It’s stories that are right up my alley that integrate alternate history, fantasy and open sexuality. The book pictured above is the latest in the series and I'm guessing the beginning of a third trilogy.

Without going into a lot of detail, the basic tenet of the religion that is followed by the main characters in the first two trilogies is “Love As Thou Wilt” It is a commandment to follow your heart, because wisdom and truth are found in even the most harsh explorations of one’s own expression of love and sexuality.

These words struck me hard when I first read them, touching a place deep within where I long to live. It’s a philosophy that in many ways I have always admired and aspired to, though I don’t know that I’ve ever really followed it very well, at least not until the last few years and even then not as strongly as I like. Still…I try.

It is how, more and more, I view the world each day.

I’ve watched with a mix of sorrow and glee as one by one more of our political leaders confess to infidelities of one type or another. I mostly feel glee when I watch it coming from sanctimonious Republicans like Vitter, Ensign and especially Craig It amuses me to watch them confess their sins and yet refuse to take the consequences they insisted Bill Clinton suffer over a decade ago. They never seem to learn. They never show an ounce of humility or real shame. They never take the responsibility they insist the rest of the world take. Instead they shamelessly continue on their path of judgment and hypocrisy as if they’ve actually atoned for their “sin”. Elliot Spitzer had the good sense and grace to resign at least. Maybe if John Edwards shuts up long enough he might redeem his behavior too.

And there was Governor Mark Sanford on Wednesday.

I watched with tremendous discomfort as the man, realizing the jig was up, attempted to air his demons and face his laundry in a long, rambling, confused press conference. He struck me as sincere, lost, and vulnerable. Yes, still hypocritical. He’s not resigning as he insisted others do, but here’s the difference I see.

Unlike Vitter, who went to prostitutes, or Ensign who was just plain cheating or Craig who was seeking a thrill in a bathroom with a man after a career of condemning homosexuals, Mark Sanford seems to be genuinely and quite deeply in love.

This doesn’t excuse the fact that he appears to have used taxpayer money to see his lover, or that he abandoned his post for 5 days, or that he spent Father’s Day away from his four young sons to be with his girlfriend (as a dad I find this particularly infuriating), but it does give me some sense of sympathy for the guy, a sense of his pain.

So many of us get so caught up in dogma of one kind or another, be it religious or political, that we start making sure we behave in ways we feel we should, rather than accepting what we are. Watching Sanford, I saw a man who was genuinely struggling with that very thing. He felt genuine guilt for his irresponsibility, but we know from his emails how deeply he feels for this woman in Argentina.

No one who has ever loved so deeply should judge that or hold hit against him. No one who has ever felt the pain of a love that is limited by circumstance should hold such a thing against him.

Love as thou wilt.

There is a very good book that was made into an HBO movie, Empire Falls. Toward the end, there is a scene between father and daughter. The daughter is lamenting that she didn’t love a boy who ended up going on a shooting rampage in her school, because perhaps it might have prevented the tragedy. Her father, played by Ed Harris responds “You can train your mind and you can learn from experience and that's what growing up is. And you can take responsibility for your actions. But you can't make your heart behave. Take it from one who knows. You will love who you love. Don't ever apologize for that. Don't ever feel you have to.”

He may feel regret for hurting his family, or letting down his friends, those are things to apologize for, but maybe we hold unreasonable expectations for how we love.

Maybe in addition to calling the man to task for shirking his responsibilities we can stop covering the nonsense of his affair and stick to the real issues. I don’t care what any politician does with their private life. It's not our business, unless they are committing crimes.

Obviously, if you know me at all, I’m not a fan of his politics, but that’s not my point today.

I hope that one day we all find ways to be truer to our hearts and to avoid the rigid dogmas that keep us from loving as we do. I hope that this experience will inspire Sanford to rethink his own views on the world and also figure out what he needs to do for his own sake as well as for his family’s and his lover’s.

He ought to resign, not just because of his own remarks and that he’s demonstrated gross irresponsibility, but also because he needs to figure his heart out.. I hope he’s honest with himself; otherwise he will never be honest with South Carolina.

Friiiday

Today is the second to last episode to be aired of Dollhouse, whose fate is still unknown.

I lot has flown back and forth about Fox executives wanting to renew it and waiting for numbers, but I don't buy it.

If they cared about numbers they wouldn't have aired it on Fridays with Terminator in the first place. Unless they are that stupid.

Anyway, continue to up those numbers by enjoying Hulu and Fox on Demand and iTunes downloads of the show.

Alan Tudyk appears in tonight's episode. I'm very happy about this.

In other news I don't know anything about my new niece as of yet. I haven't heard back from anyone but am hoping to meet her on Sunday.

Also heading back up to New Paltz to see my daughter in the chorus of A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum.

I know I'm boring the last couple of days. Bear with me.

TGIFish

Today is my last day working down in the Financial District and my work buddy and I are taking ourselves down to the P.J. Clarke's for a late dinner on our break.

I'm looking forward to it as my mood is well matched to the weather here today. Heavy gray rain. Cold and bloodless.

I think a tasty, super high quality steak dinner will be just the thing to set me on track.

Don't ask why I'm in this mood. I just am. Sometimes I get this way. Its likely mid-life crisis stuff so I'm just riding it for now and doing my bit to make sure I don't take my mood out on the innocent bystanders in my life. This hasn't been entirely successful, only in the sense that my mood is dark enough that people around me are worried that it's their fault. I assure them that its not and try to lighten myself because I hate the idea of anyone blaming themselves for something that they really have nothing to do with but for the fact that they care about me.

I wonder why this in and of itself isn't enough to make me feel better today. That there are those that care enough that my moods hit them personally and deeply means a great deal to me. To be loved...it is a beautiful thing and to be cared for like that. Beyond beautiful. I think it ought to make me feel better and to be sure it does ameliorate things. Especially one particular gesture today that both eased the darkness and made me aware of just how raw I seem to feel today. A blessing from a blessing. And still....here I sit.

I had a great uncle who was a painter by hobby and used to exhibit his stuff in the annual Art Show in Greenwhich Village in the 60s and 70s. He was the husband of a great aunt on my mother's side.

One year he had a painting of Emmet Kelly he had done on display and my father's uncle who was visiting us that particular year liked it so much that he bought it and hung it on the living room wall. About 13 years ago, my Aunt sent that painting to me through my father because I had mentioned on her last visit back to NY that I remembered and loved how the painting linked the two families.

But the painting itself right now fits my mood. Sad, grumpy and in a weird way, patiently resolved to it. Unlike Emmet Kelly's perpetually sad clown face though, I know I'll be out of it eventually.



With any luck, well before that good steak dinner. But definitely afterward.

More of the Uknown.

I've been severely unmotivated to write here lately. Not exactly sure why.

Maybe I'm overwhelmed by myriad things.

Last Friday they announced 15 layoffs were coming by March 1st, where I work. I don't know what that means for me at this point. The 15 layoffs don't apply entirely to the office where I work, but we don't know how much of that will be dumped to us. If its more than 2, then I'm toast and I honestly don't know what my next steps are.

I've been trying to step up my knowledge of HTML just to add a skill. I think I'm finally beginning to understand it and beginning to know enough to know what to do under basic circumstances.

I know I'm late to the game but a skill is a skill

February

I've never liked February. For the shortest month of the year it's always seemed the longest, most dismal month.

Last night at work we got to talking about how March is so difficult. Unpredictable and also seemingly endless, but maybe because my birthday falls near the end of it, or that it holds the promise of Spring somewhere in there, I've always had an easier time with it.

February makes me wish that humans hibernated. It would definitely be my hibernating month. At the very least it always feels like pull back time. Like covering up and sheltering waiting for brighter days.

With things going as they are in the world. More and more friends losing jobs or cutting back. The uncertainty I have for my own employment I wonder how long a real hibernation would have to last til the brighter days actually arrive.

BUT...since we don't hibernate I'll just do what I do every February. White knuckle it til March and figure out how to brighten things up in the meantime.

She who will not be mentioned

Some of you will expect me to blog about a certain blond whack job who is promoting her book.

Since she's a famous liar and has recently demonstrated just how far gone and paranoid she is...I'm leaving it alone.

When I blog about politics I want to be serious and discuss serious issues.

The blond doesn't qualify.