Thursday, October 29, 2009

Recovery? Seriously?

The news is blaring about how the Recession is over.

Well, this is technically true. A Recession is marked by 3 quarters in a row of negative growth. As we have just had a quarter of growth, the recession is over.....
For now.

I'm not an economist and despite my admiration for a few of them I don't have a whole lot of respect for the study anyway. It's all theory, sometimes you can base a theory on history, but its still theory.

We base our perspective on our economy in this country on Gross Domestic Product or GDP, this is a number that comes out of analyzing the value of goods produced and consumer spending. This is taken from a bunch of numbers that are amassed and run through mathematical formulas on some genius' spreadsheet.

Liars like Maria Bartiromo go on about how what's good for Wall Street is what's good for Main Street. But we know this woman has no knowledge of history and is also married to one very rich honcho. Out of touch much, bitch? And Jim Cramer goes on and on and on about absolutely nothing. Gets everything wrong on every count and somehow we still ask him how we are doing...Like he fucking knows his ass from his checkbook.

But to my mind, there is only one true measuring stick to how well the economy of a nation is going. A simple two part question.

Does everyone who wants/needs a job have one and are they earning enough to thrive?

By thrive I mean, 3 meals a day, a decent roof over your head and the ability to save for an improved future for you and your family.

A simple question with a simple answer. Yes or No.

The answer is still a resounding NO.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

You asked...I tried to answer. Writer's Block at least temporarily averted....

So I stole this idea from one of my twitter/blogger friends because I have hated every writing idea that's come into my blogging head for the last week. I even had someone suggest expanding on a Twitter Story I told a few days ago...and oh boy was my inner critic running overtime.

Thus I begged my TwitterFollowers to help me out, ask me questions so I could blog the answers, so that I am doing SOMEthing.

Thank you all. I tried to Favorite every question so I had them handy, but the function seems to have not worked well. So I'm doing my best to get them all. I won't be as funny as "Daddy" but here goes....

@WhyIsDaddyCryin if given the opportunity how would you choose to publicly humiliate balloon boy's dad for being such a fucking douche?

My first question and oddly parallel to the TwitStory expansion that I abandoned, although that involved Rush Limbaugh as the balloon and Glenn Becky as the boy who crawled up his ass only to float around the United States. Anyway.....

This question leads to my question, How do you shame the unshameable? This guy got vomited on twice on national television, completely exposed by a 6 year old and had his awful reality TV show proposal aired to everyone. None of it seems to phase this guy. He just wants the recognition.

He is in fact, Rush Limbaugh. He will say and do anything to get noticed. If he's a Democrat, I guess I'd just call him Rush Jr. every time I referred to him, while he was in the room. If he's a Republican I guess I'd call him Chairman Mao since that's their latest fetish.

@lesleehorner asked this of both “DaddyCryin” and me” What's 1 thing you are passionate about, and lose all track of time while doing? And the answer can't be sex.


Well, I mentioned recently that I enjoy doing character roleplay on certain venues. A way of getting my creative writing juices going. I very easily lose track of time doing that, the way other friends of mine do it playing World of Warcraft (which I refuse to play, A-because there's a monthly fee and B-because I KNOW no one will ever see me again if I do).

When an idea hits me, or the hint of one, I get really excited and I've made myself almost late for work on more than one occasion.

But in the end, its when I'm acting or directing. I could do it forever...never take a break except to eat and even then I just want to keep going. Never tired of it, always want more. There really isn't anything that makes me more happy.

Except perhaps for sex with someone awesome. (heh heh, got it in there anyway)

@GratefulKim What cereal could you eat everyday?

I'm honored that you took time away from your devoted stalking of @WhyIsDaddyCryin' to ask me that.

It's a two parter.

Non Sugar Cereal. Cheerios. I fucking love Cheerios. Especially with a banana sliced on top. That rocks. Even better when eaten outdoors

Sugar: Lucky Charms, because they're magically delicious, of course. Interestingly, Lucky Charms is essentially Cheerios, covered in sugar and with marshmallows. MMMMMMMMMMMMM. I'm all in touch with my inner Homer Simpson now.

@kitterztoo asked me what color I would be if I were a color...something like that. I can't find it because Twitter's Favorites function doesn't function. Fortunately my memory is a bit better.

Unfortunately I have no fucking clue. When my daughter was born, in the first couple of minutes, she was this amazing deep shade of purple. I mean like, dipped in grape juice for days purple. It was stunning. STUNNING. Not blotchy, not ugly. Breathtakingly beautiful. I wished it would stay that way because it really was that awesome. Shortly after that she got all splotchy like newborns do, then settled in. Ah well.

I guess I'd like to be that color. I think it would be cool, also....mad sexy.

Now if you're asking about my personality? I really don't know. I probably would go between red and blue..which might explain the purple thing.

@MajorBedHead wants to know one place I would go to for a month, as in a vacation. Once again Twitter lost this post entirely even though I added it to favorites. Twitter is really starting to piss me the fuck off, though my memory is pleasing me.

There are a few places I want to spend a month in. For the last few years though, the number one place is Scotland.
I lurve single malt whiskey. Lurve isn't even right because it's inadequate. But drinking it makes me all kinds of happy. A really good single malt has complexity and smoothness that makes life worth living even in the worst moments.

The plan is I start either at the southern most tip or the northern most tip and work my way up or down, back and forth, visiting every.single.distillery there is in that country. I would buy 2 bottles from each, whether I liked it or not, and send them home, in addition to whatever I sampled on the spot. I would journal the entire trip as a separate blog from this and then turn it into a book.

Eventually someone would fall in love with the whole story and make a movie out of it. They'd call it John and something really catch that would be a pun on my name and whiskey....or something.

@LiberalViewer1 What do you do for a living, my friend?

To pay the bills I do document work for a bank. Most of these are done in Power Point as pitches to invest in certain areas. But it often involves charts and tables in Excel and Word too. I'm actually not allowed to talk a whole lot about it. A Co-worker got fired for mentioning where he worked when he called a local newspaper to report a major event he'd just witnessed outside an office window. Seriously, it's that crazy.

I have on occasion, tweeted the view from said windows. Very stunning.

I'd rather be acting (see above).

@wil_m alright, when was the first moment you actually felt like a father?

This is a really good one and I had to spend a lot of time thinking about it. Oddly enough, the answer is the moment I first held my daughter.

So there she was, already fading into blotchy from being that purple grape juice purple. My (ex)wife had been in labor for close to 36 hours so when my daughter was born, her body went into a kind of shock. Shaking uncontrollably. So once they were finished doing all those awful things they do to babies when they first pop out, the couldn't hand her to her mother, so they put me on a stool and gave the screaming baby to me.

I was grinning as I felt this little life in my arms...crying and crying from the harsh bright light, the poking and the prodding. I gently shushed her and then said “It's okay Sarah. Daddy's here. It's me, daddy...everything is ok”.

Immediately her tears stopped and she scrunched her face and seemed to look in my direction...she was quiet and I could feel her relax. This of of course was when I started crying. It had been a very very long labor (a story I will tell some other time). I had nearly fainted from lack of food because I was too worried about my then wife and also was certain that the moment I went anywhere to eat, that would be when my daughter would finally decide to come out. So the emotions were deep and palpable.

But the response to my voice ...that made me feel very dad like.

The second time was not for awhile after that. To explain would mean going into one of the major things that was wrong with my marriage. That's a whole nother blog story. Just that for a long time my ex got proprietary about our daughter and essentially shut me out. Something that years later she finally copped to and apologized for. I didn't exactly handle all of that like an adult myself.

It was while visiting my mother and stepfather at their then house in Long Island. A nice long weekend of just my daughter and me and she got to really learn to come to me with things. I think she was 4 or so at the time. She came to me in the kitchen to help her with something. And while I was helping she asked a bunch of questions, which I answered. There was a lot of humorous back and forth. After she ran back to do whatever it was she was doing on her own I felt my back straighten up and I was suddenly breathing really clearly, like after a good yoga class. I wish I could remember what we were saying. But I do remember the feeling.

If I missed anyone, its Twitter's fault. Hope you all enjoyed it. If so, I might do it again. Thanks again to @WhyIsDaddyCryin.


Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Remember what I said about the News Networks the other day?

Turns out, as usual, Jon Stewart is on it.

One more bit of evidence (as if his Jeopardy appearance wasn't the nail in the coffin) that Wolf Blitzer is a useless piece of shit.

This segment sums up exactly what is wrong with the state of our current news service. I maintain that The News Hour with Jim Lehrer is by far the best of the bunch and is actually good.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
CNN Leaves It There
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorRon Paul Interview

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

What I meant to say was....

I'm not a fan of religion. In high school a friend described me as "Love God/Hate The Clergy". This was about right. Though back then I was more of an atheist so I didn't have much love for God either.

Since then I have passed through many belief systems and ideas. I have come to believe in God through experience, not other people telling me what to do or think. I have found ways to peace and God that have been very helpful not only to me, but to those I interact with and love, when I keep my discipline together. But I still dislike religion intensely. I find a peace and comfort sitting quietly in churches, but usually once someone starts telling how "how it is" and "what it is" my bullshit meter goes to red alert. Stop interrupting my experience of God and Love by telling me what its supposed to be rather than what it is in the moment.

I've been following this blog for the last few months and come to admire the woman behind it very much. While the blogosphere has no shortage of folks "journaling" their self exploration (yours truly no exception) I find Leslee's approach to be very earnest and honest and rather sweet.

So I was deeply disturbed by comments left on her last two blogs by two women, one of whom is her sister and the other a friend of many decades.

I left comments also, which you can see if you check the link and read through, but I chose to simply lend words of support with a mild dig to those two. Following, is what I would have said if I had no respect for Leslee and her blog at all. (I have no such respect for my own). I doubt they will read them, but I feel a deep need to let this all out.

This might be long. Bear with me and forgive me because I am not going to be remotely nice. These two women embody just about everything I loathe about devout anything. They happen to be "Christian" but my feelings apply to any religious dogma of any faith.

I say this often, to spell Dogma, you have to spell God backwards. 'nuff said. And now, my very judgmental, very uncompassionate rant.

Christi, you fatuous hypocritical judgmental bitch, let's start with you. Quotes will be in italic. My responses, bold.

And who is the ones with open minds? Even the Kings of Egypt had false Gods, but they lost their souls! I don’t want to gain the whole world and loose my soul! Read the Bible and look at what is going on in the world around you! Be open to see the evil, people in pain and hurting! Hungry children – don’t try to brag to the world about what charities you support. Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and you shall be saved!

Right, let the children starve, Let them long as I feed my god's ego, I'm going to heaven, so fuck you anyone that is actually doing anything while I kneel on my fat ass and tell myself how wonderful I am.

Romans ch 4 – Abraham was rewarded righteousness from GOD (not Man) because Abraham believed God but yet Abraham was a liar, adulterous; Noah was a drunk – and we didn’t learn that in VBS – but he believed God and was FAITHFUL! King David was a adulterous; committed murder but he believed God and confessed his sins and because of God he was forgiven! It is not about dos and donts it’s about faith! Believing and trusting in one God, Yahweh – not Ganesha on your ankle!

Right, David was cruel bastard who had the husband of the woman he was fucking killed, but he went to heaven cause he believed in God. You can be a big douchebag, but have faith in God and it doesn't matter. Right.

So many people these days are coming out of the closet, and God trusting Christians are being pushed back in the closet

What closet, I can't go anywhere without seeing your hypocritical bullshit on TV, the news, posters, your posters of Obama as Hitler.....Oh I get it, apparently you are making a passive aggressive suggestion about Gay people. Good thing you aren't judgmental. And no, sorry honey, you're not judging with righteousness in your heart. You're doing it with fury and ego. So yeah, if there is a heaven and hell, I think you might be in for a surprise. And yes, that's me judging, at least I can be honest about it. I'm not hiding behind a book.

I serve a risen Savior – Christ the Lord! Praise God! Leslee you never call me or email me – I call you and ask about your life and what is going on with your family – you NEVER ask about my life or my family – you are so wrapped up in your world – your self-discovery that you can’t look beyond yourself. Just read your responses above it is all about your self! Just as it was growing up! Like when you visit I try extra hard to connect with my wonderful nieces – do you even hardly acknowlegde my children? NO! You don’t that is not what your life is about it is about SELF!

Who the hell would WANT to call you. If this is how you talk to people I'm sure they'd rather chew on aluminum foil. I'd sooner shave my head with a cheese grater.

Yes I believe in the devil and I believe he comes out in all kinds of ways. In people, crisis, circumstanes, etc… It never fails that when I am closest to God he tries to pull me away thru different avenues. Your blog for one – I am going to have to try to sustain from it.

The word is ABstain. I guess the devil kept you from learning vocabulary or proper spelling. Or you COULD open a dictionary. And LEARN something beyond your narrow thinking. You COULD take responsibility for your actions and actually grow from them, like your sister does. Nah, nevermind, blame it on something external. Stay on that fat assed kneel.

I want to support you and who you are but not at the price of peace! Peace is a wonderful thing and my life is so busy and hectic that I don’t need to let things upset me! I have never judged you –

You might be funnier than John Stewart.

you are who you are now – I miss the old you – yes there was an old you – but old things pass away and now we go on.

No, that's not judging at all.

I believe life is about loving others and showing Jesus’ love thru us! I try not to focus on myself sometimes I do but I try to focus on others and showing them his love thru me that I feel fulfilled – some people can’t look beyond theirselves. I pray I never get that way! I have acknowledged that people are the way they are because of their parents, spouse and friends – everyone has choices. I try not to judge them because in actuality we ALL are disfuntional people – it is the real world! No one person is perfect only Jesus Christ! Love you girl!

So, its bad to brag about charity, but its ok to brag about what a hard working Christian you are...I got it.

Below though is the crux of it. An older sister jealous of her younger sister because she wasn't beaten by an abusive father as she was. Understandable...and despite what I've been saying my heart is broken for you to have suffered that. But its interesting how you throw it in your sister's face and then utterly replace your father with God as a pacifier for a pain you have yet to face and deal with. It's interesting that you chose to use words of violence to describe how 'finding God' changed you. I'm sure you think you were being creative, but its obvious to someone as not all that smart as me, that you have a long way to go before you understand yourself, OR God.

No, I wouldn’t agree you are the black sheep, I would agree that you are different than me. You were spoiled rotten as a child, you were the baby of the family, Mom gave you everything you ever wanted and more! I don’t know that you ever experienced any of the beatings that I did, I believe maybe one but Dad had went from abusing me to not spanking at all by the time you got old enough for that. So would the fact that he beat me make me a black sheep? I am so sorry that you feel that way – you know I love you always and think the world of you. You are my baby sister and no matter what you do or say you will always hold a special place in my heart! I am saved thanks to God and do believe because of that I will go to heaven when my Father returns for me! I believe in the King James Version of the Bible, I don’t believe in chanting to anyone!!!!! I believe Jesus died on the cross for you and me and everyone else and we choose to love him and live for him as we will. My Father forgives me for my sins, past, present and future because of what Jesus did on the cross! He was beaten and bruised for OUR transgrassions! I can’t wait to see loved ones in Heaven one day, especially Aunt Ella, Aunt Elma and Uncle Frank who set very BIG GODLY impression on me as well as showed me his LOVE! I don’t think I should be treated any differently because I have strong beliefs as well! Yes I do pray for you; I pray for ALL of my family all the time. The prayers are usually the same I pray for your family and I pray for Cynthia’s family. I don’t pray any differently for either one of you just so you know! Thanks for sharing your feelings; I felt as though I needed to share mine! I love you always!

Leslee talked about her sense of otherness in her own family. It's not unusual. There is always someone that feels that way. You start off by saying she isn't a black sheep, then you call her spoiled rotten and essentially trash her. She did nothing of the sort in her blog post to you. She simply pointed out why she felt different.

There is a definite difference though. She's likable and sincere. You say what you think you need to say so you can go to Heaven.

Also, spelling and grammar...look into it.

Now its your turn, Laurie.

Girl…. I know I haven’t called you yet – because I am not sure what to say to you.. but this is to your soul… You are going down a lonely path of self discovery – life is not about you and your discovery – life is about what you can do for others, when and why did you become so self centered… You really need to get right with God – God is not a feeling or here to make you feel good – he is the creator and has written a book to show you the way – why don’t you spend your time reading that book (the bible) instead of learning about all of this non sense.

Since you are too much of a coward to have a heart to heart with your friend, but apparently perfectly comfortable judging her in public I don't see how you believe for a second that you are right with anything, let alone God.

Oh, I don't know if you noticed. God didn't actually write the book. Also its been severely edited. Learn history. Its even being edited now by zealots who want to remove anything that sounds remotely Liberal. Also, Constantine, you might have heard of him, look it up beyond what you've been spoonfed and get off your friend's ass.

Hell is a lonely place and you will never know how lonely life can be for an atheist – always searching – you don’t just check in with Jesus – he fills you with joy.
And Christi is right you were the prize kid and your parents did everything for you and your friends – they were so proud of you and your family has picked you up so many times – how dare you bash them blog after blog – it is ungrateful and I hope you never feel the pain you are putting them through by Bella and Callie. Your family is who really LOVEs you and you know they may not approve but they will and have be there for you every crazy step of your way –

I am not an atheist, far from it, but I know many. And many of them are incredibly happy, loving and generous people. They are also deeply moral. None of them are any lonelier than many Christians I know. Speak from what you actually know...again, not from where you are spoonfed.

Here is more about the book Living on the ragged edge.
While many Christian books encourage thoughts about God’s love and kindness, it’s also good to see life as it really is in this world. Swindoll pulls no punches as he describes the emptiness of living to please self instead of God.
Among the many excellent points Swindoll covers are:

1. People focus on the external appearances while God focuses on the heart.

Where is your heart, Laurie. I don't see it. It's too clouded by your venomous language and judgment.

2. God can work through you in mighty ways if you let Him.

How are you so sure he isn't working through Leslee? Or do you have it all figured out already? If that's the case, why bother saying anything.
3. Wise counsel for those under pressure.
From God, yes. From judgmental, lonely and angry people...not so much.

4. The world’s movers and shakers are also often the most lonely people on earth.
No one with common sense needs only a Christian to see that.
5. Different world-views and their weaknesses.
Right, not judgmental at all
6. How to handle the mysteries of life.
You can also find this in Judaism, Buddhism, Sikhism and Islam. As well as Pagan. Oh I'm sorry, did that upset your sensibilities? Only the faith YOU believe in is valid. Nope, no ego there.
7. Excellent counsel on how to get the most out of life.
Again, not exclusive to your religion
8. What keeps us from pursuing happiness.
What's keeping you? I don't notice anything happy about you.
An excellent and highly recommended book, be encouraged and challenged to seek God’s wisdom instead of the wisdom of the world!
I know too many devout and religious Christians who are terribly unhappy to buy this for a second.

Finally to both of you. IF there is a Heaven and Hell, I believe wholeheartedly that your souls will burn eternally for your hypocrisy. God does see and notice action over words. He feels love over judgment and he smiles upon it. He does not care about politics or petty earthly things. And he doesn't have an ego that constantly needs your worship.

Leslee chose to respect both your privacy, in her posts while remaining honest to herself and her journey. You both decided to make it a "bash Lesleefest".

The God I know insists you get on your knees and beg forgiveness for being such a piss poor excuse of a sister and "friend"...AND a Christian.

Sucks to be judged, doesn't it.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Why I'm taking back some of what I said in yesterday's title.

So I ranted about the state of News shows yesterday and even complained about where Keith Olbermann has gone. And then last night Keith devoted the entire show to Health Care Reform.

Granted. This is not NEWS per se, but it was a cogent and heartfelt presentation of why this issue is so damned important. It is one of the greatest arguments for liberalism I've heard in a long time.

I still wish that the 3 alleged news networks would do something constructive as networks, but this is a step in the right direction.
I attach for you, the last two segments of last night's show. The first, in which Keith relates one event in his father's current renal illness, quotes doctors and proposes a way of handling the capping of malpractice suits (a problem that accounts for a small fraction of healthcare costs, btw). He begins with an anecdote that reminds us what Healthcare is all about in the first place.

And then here, Keith reminds us that we do have some power in our hands in all this. He starts with how stupid we as individuals are about our own healthcare. He goes on with a personal story of an old friend, going right to the point. The absurdities of the current insurance offerings.

So, yeah, I will probably keep watching Keith. But I still insist that his bosses get their collective shit together as I ranted yesterday.

Thank you Keith. I hope your father continues to get better.

If you missed the show, here is where you can see it from beginning to end.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Why I might stop watching Keith Olbermann.

I hate the News.

Not the news itself, the News. The personality driven, gameshow host, ha ha I got you, I only listen to what I wanna hear, I'm too lazy to do anything but quote what was told to me as opposed to doing my job, oh look who got his dick wet where he shouldn't have...Afghanistan? Huh? News.

I'm sick of this shit.

And as much as I love Keith Olbermann I'd be a hypocrite not to acknowledge that he is a part of it. Rachel too.

Here comes Grumpy Old Man. When I was a kid, there used to be documentaries on TV. Mainstream 3 broadcast network TV on serious issues. Now we have entire series devoted to being in prison. We used to have Special Reports, now we get Special Comments.

I love special comments. I love that Keith Olbermann almost single-handedly changed and continues to change the political news landscape to one where we Liberals get to fluster and puff too.

But here's the thing. What we need, what we really need, is not going over every day who said what to whom, who's writing a book, who is lieing and who is telling the truth, but comprehensive analysis of the issues.

We know Fox will never do that. MSNBC has decided to become the more liberal side of that argument with the exception of Joe Scarborough in the morning. I don't know what the fuck CNN has become. That network hasn't been worth shit since they gave that idiot Wolf Blitzer his own show.

Yesterday I caught that snide smug bitch Campbell Brown being indignant that David Letterman hadn't realized how his current staff would suffer from constant press calls due to the recent revelation of his affairs. She was actually laughing at him for having the audacity to prioritize his career, his colleagues and his family over it not occurring to him that his staff would be inundated with insinuating phone calls from a press too lazy to cover, oh say, the actual questions of what a Public Option is, or the history of Afghanistan and its wars. CNN has Anderson Cooper and Christiane Amenpour. Everyone else isn't worth a bad fuck in an alleyway let alone having a news show.

MSNBC barely has a news show anymore...It's all news interviews but no actual coverage. FOX...well, FOX is just a rag paper to promote the agenda of an aged, depraved and greedy man from Australia and the known liar Roger Ailes.

Only The News Hour with Jim Lehrer is news coverage that actually deserves the moniker. They pick one or two of the days stories and devote the entire time to those stories including a real analysis. Then once a week they have Mark Shields and David Brooks discuss and somewhat debate, in a reasonable tone the week's events.

We need indepth documentaries on the various healthcare systems around the world. Not this he said she said crap. We need a history of the nations we are at war with to understand how they got to where they are and what has worked and what hasn't.

We need to stop the finger-pointing journalism. We don't need Keith to tell us that Sean Hannity is a douchebag, much as I LOVE “Worst Person In The World”. For most thinking people, its a given.

We're never going to get it though. Once Ted Turner sold CNN to Time Warner and NBC decided to run something with Microsoft and Fox decided to abandon covering the news altogether, it was all over.

At this point, we only have ourselves to blame that we have ignorant people who can't spell marching on Washington and declaring Glenn Beck a hero, because we are all we've got.

We can watch our people on the “news” networks for comfort. That's fine. But we can't stop there because clearly no one is going to use those forums to educate us beyond who is good and who is bad.

If MSNBC or CNN ever decide they really want to be taken seriously, they will stop playing Fox's game and start covering the news and offering indepth coverage and analysis of real issues.

Until then, I think I might just stick to Dollhouse and Fringe. Ironically Fox shows. Though if Fox keeps fucking Dollhouse up the ass the way it has been I may give up on Fringe too.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Moving On Up and Out and Beyond

A few months after my ex wife and I were married (over 20 years ago) I reached a point where I knew we had to move. We had lived together in a decently sized one bedroom apartment on west 57th Street in Manhattan. It had been her place for several years. As I said it was decently sized and centrally located, but it had no kitchen to speak of. This was fine enough, I had figured out ways to adapt to the size. But the place got no sunlight at all due to the construction of a high rise luxury building that not only blocked the view of Central Park, but blocked even the ability to know the weather in any way shape or form. And it afforded a fantastic view for the construction workers to ogle my bride as suited them.

The apartment also had some pretty bad memories for her, though we had managed to exorcise them to a small degree. But now I had reached my breaking point. I came home from work and looked at the darkness and just couldn't take it anymore. So we started looking. Eventually we ended up in Queens. A larger apartment for less money and sunlight all day long. I was excited. My wife was less than thrilled. She hated moving, and still does, more on that in a minute.

I viewed that apartment as a new start to a new marriage and a new life. In fact, it contained the seeds to the disintegration of that marriage and a wayward life that I am still working through. The apartment had other problems, bad wiring, careless landlords, crappy heating...I was so in love with all the light that I forgot to ask the important questions and so utterly certain of our future, I unwittingly muscled my wife into the place.

When the marriage ended only 3 years later, our daughter was two. I moved out of the apartment that I still rather liked despite its issues. My ex wife stayed in the apartment that she never learned to like at all. But she remained, so utterly fearful and dreadful of moving again.

Fast Forward to today. My ex and her fiancee have moved into a new apartment, fully as of yesterday. Two days ago I spent my last moments in the old apartment, picking up a kitchen table that my stepfather had built and a few odds and ends. It was strange to see the place almost empty, almost as empty as it was when I first started to paint the entire place almost entirely on my own to ease the transition for my then wife. The bookcases I had built were gone, leaving a wall I hadn't seen since Bush Sr. was president.

I hadn't lived in that place for 17 years but I was there all the time nonetheless for time with my daughter. Also early on there were many nights over several years of vain attempts to reconcile the marriage. And then after a time, a friendship between my ex and I. The place had seen a lot of change. It is the only place my daughter has ever lived (and believe me she is not at all happy about this move taking place. She has had her goodbye but has not been part of the process since she's at school now).

I didn't have a lot of time to say goodbye, but I took a few moments. It was in those moments that I remembered all that that apartment had symbolized to me at first, what it came to symbolize later. I thought of the young husband and father, hopeful, arrogant, certain.

I stood there a still young though not terribly young ex husband and father. Not particularly hopeful, less arrogant and a lot less certain about anything.

I was and am glad to see the place go though and I am happy for my ex wife,who has used the move well to purge a great many things and start a new life for herself.

Ironically she feels as muscled into the move as she felt 22 years ago, and I've ended up being an ear when she has wanted to strangle her fiancee. It feels funny to be the ex-husband helping the ex-wife to work through it all so that the relationship she is in won't go the course that ours did. I kind of like it. The fiancee isn't thrilled about it, since understandably he doesn't want his wife bitching about him to her ex husband. I get that. But my ex told me something she said to him when they were going over her feelings about the move and the process and he kept saying “I'm not John” when she pointed out the many similar ways that I had done. Then complained that she was talking to me about it. Her response was “If I had had a friend like John when I was married to John, I'd probably still be married to John. So stop worrying about it”

I don't know that there's a lot of truth in what she said. Hindsight has shown me that my ex and I were probably not suited for marriage to each other. But it was a damned fine compliment.

The picture at the top is the old Queens apartment building. The top floor to the right are what had been at one time the Master Bedroom and later my daughter's room. This is the last picture taken of the place by me. I imagine only a strange twist of fate will lead to anymore.

Anyway, another marker in life, another milestone passed. When I visit my daughter or my ex for whatever reason, I will no longer have a history there. That's a good thing. I'm trying to purge too. Hell, sometimes I think about selling everything and living out of a trailer, not unlike Derek Shepherd's on Gray's Anatomy. (I wanted to put a picture of that trailer right here. But it doesn't seem to exist anywhere on the internet.)

Since my own move a few months ago I've been shedding and continue to shed. Shed Shed Shed. Its all about moving on, even if we have no idea what or where we are moving to. Figuratively at least.