Friday Ramble: To be or not to be

It has been an oddly busy week. Mostly because I've chosen to get a few diagnostic tasks done with my old PC here. She's done me good service in the nearly 7 years I've had her and I can see the old girl is starting to fade. A tweak here and a tweak there seems to be keeping her going. No death panels for this girl. Only life sustaining measures.

Its possible that she will be my last PC. Possible. I am definitely migrating over to Mac but there are a few things I can only do with a PC, so a netbook might be in my future, as they are eminently affordable. At home I can start with a Mac mini. I'd like something portable and easily hooked up. I like to write and because of so many restrictions at work, I can't write there and have my work be anywhere but at the office. That kind of sucks. I also can't blog there as anything, ANYTHING remotely bloglike is blocked. And I do want to keep writing.

I think I'm supposed to keep writing. At least that's what one of the little voices in my head is telling me when I think about the second half of my life and what I want to do with it. I still want to be a paid, working actor. It still burns as a desire, and I'm starting to understand how my ADHD has played into my lack of a career. So I think I have to find a way to get both going again.

I understand there are now ADHD Coaches. People who help keep people like me get focused, remain focused and accomplish things. Like an airline pilot keeping his jet on course. I'm looking into that, thanks to an article my ex wife sent me.

You know, its entirely possible that I will have this all worked out by the time I keel over at the age of 120. Will I be too old to play Hamlet by then?

Distracting ADDitions

The final set of criteria from Edward Hallowell's book.

I scored an 86 on the Jasper/Goldberg test and anything above a 70 comes with a recommendation to immediately seek a full on official diagnosis.

A friend of mine scored over 100 when they took it. Now for years after learning that my daughter was on the autistic spectrum, I began to theorize from observation that just about everyone is on it. So I'd be willing to bet that most people score at least 50 on it. I invite you to take it.

Full on therapy is not in the budget at this point, so I'm looking into dietary approaches and utilizing my new found awareness as best I can.


14. A sense of insecurity.

This may surprise many of my friends because I tend to come off as much more confident than I actually am. Though in much better shape than I once (MUCH better) I still have almost crippling moments of self doubt. Often to the point if simply freezing motion entirely leading to inaction.

15. Mood swings, mood lability, especially when disengaged from a person or a project.

I'm not sure mood swings would be accurate, but I do have anxiety under these circumstances.

16. Physical or cognitive restlessness.

When I was younger I was a massive fidgeter. I always had to have something in my hands, or I'd bounce my leg with my foot.

In college I had a friend named Karen who once just grabbed a pair of scissors I was playing with and all but yelled "No more fidgeting". This was actually very effective because I wasn't aware of how annoying it can be to others.

Now I don't fidget very much, but my brain can fidget if I don't give it something to do or watch.

17. A tendency toward addictive behavior.

This has never really been true for me. Aside from teen age and early 20s indulgence in alcohol, drugs and even cigarettes, once I got into my mid 20s I'd moderated everything, quit cigarettes completely (though I've smoked under some very rare very high stress situations. The last time being 10 years ago...but that's another blog entry altogether)

Addictive behavior does run from my father's side of the family however.

18.Chronic problems with self-esteem.

I think I've covered this a couple of times. Its less of an issue than it once was, but it lingers.

19.Inaccurate self-observation.

I've actually been told by past therapists that my self-observations are generally very accurate. So this would be a no.

20. Family history of ADD or manic-depressive illness or depression or substance abuse or other disorders of impulse control or mood.

Well, mom's got ADD. Actually officially diagnosed. My daughter definitely has ADD mixed in with her Aspergers Syndrome.

There's a definite history of alcohol abuse in part of my family, as I've said. Depression and other disorders tend to go along with that. That was certainly what did my father in (again, whole other blog entry).

Yeah. I think its fair to say I've got it. Therapy is just not in the wallet so right now I'm looking into supplementation, diet....that sort of thing. I'm sure I'll be writing about it.

Thanks for listening/reading. See you tomorrow.

ADDitions and Further Distraction

Continuing from yesterday:


8. Easy distractibility, trouble focusing attention, tendency to tune out or drift away in the middle of a page or a conversation, often coupled with an ability to hyperfocus at times.

When I was a teenager I would be in the middle of a book, a book I was loving, and realize I'd gone about 2 pages and had no idea what I was reading because I had drifted off onto some thought or fixated on a problem at school or whatever. I'd have to go back and figure out where I derailed.

I don't do this so much anymore because I easily catch the moment when I start to drift, take a breath and continue reading. But it took me a couple of years. My mother used to say "Yeah I do that too" so I thought it was normal. My mother was officially diagnosed with Adult ADHD a few years ago, by the way.

My childhood report cards, without exception, include notes from teachers about how "Johnny is a very intelligent young man, but he has a tendency to day dream...."

9.Often creative, intuitive, highly intelligent.

While I might dispute the highly intelligent part, others would support that claim. Creative? Always have been. Not just in the usual ways (being an actor, writer, etc.) but in getting myself out of certain jams.

10. Trouble in going through established channels, following "proper" procedure.

I do tend to hesitate before beginning to go through these sorts of things, but I tend to do alright. It IS a stressful thing for me to do though.

11. Impatient; low tolerance of frustration.

BINGO. Best way for me to lose my temper is to have to wait a long time or feel like I'm doing something too many times to get whatever that something is right...And by too many I mean twice.

12. Impulsive, either verbally or in action, as in impulsive spending of money, changing plans, enacting new schemes or career plans, and the like; hot-tempered.

Oh the money thing...that's taken me YEARS to get a handle on. But yeah...I could be very impulsive. I'm much better about that now. Not having any money is good training for not spending it and I seem to have been able to carry that through the slightly better times.

I'm not a big one for changing plans. In fact I hate when plans change. I get stressed out if it happens too much. And by too much I mean twice.

13. A tendency to worry needlessly, endlessly; a tendency to scan the horizon looking for something to worry about, alternating with inattention to or disregard for actual dangers.

I do worry a lot. While one could argue that all worrying is needless, since worry in and of itself solves nothing, I usually start worrying well before the worry line is crossed. Well before there's an actual real issue. I think it relates to the crisis/stimulation point I covered yesterday. And of course the more I worry, the more there is to worry about. Nice cycle. Sometimes turns to self fulfilling prophecy.

This I've also spent a lot of time working on and when I keep my yoga practice regularly the worry easily and quickly to make room for solutions.

Keep up the practice you say? Well, yes...that's obvious. ADD.

Ok...more tomorrow!

ADDition and Distraction

I've mentioned before that it looks pretty clear that I have ADD and that it's something that I can't believe wasn't obvious to me years ago.



Here's a list of indicators from a very good book I got in New Paltz for 50 cents at the urging of my ex-wife. Well spent half a buck.

A. A chronic disturbance in which at least twelve of the following are present:

1. A sense of underachievement, of not meeting one's goals (regardless of how much one has actually accomplished)

Well that certainly fits me to a tee. I'm in my late 40s and nowhere close to any real accomplishment.

2. Difficulty getting organized

Anyone that's known me for any length of time or been to my apartment knows how perfectly well this fits me...though when I do get organized, its super organized.

3. Chronic procrastination or trouble getting started.

Mhm. This sort of thing does lead to Criteria 1.

4. Many projects going simultaneously, trouble with follow-through.

For years that was an issue. Then I started just trying one thing at a time. Follow through is still tricky. I work best in projects with others. It's one reason I started this blog..A way to have to follow through because there's an alleged audience. (All 5 of you out there?)

5. A tendency to say what comes to mind without necessarily considering the timing or appropriateness of the remark.

I used to think of this as sometimes being tactless. It's not a frequent occurrence but I do find lately I am more impulsive and sometimes say or write things I regret almost immediately after. Never things meant to be hurtful, in fact often meant to be helpful, but so impulsively expressed that the words get mixed up and I end up sounding like an insensitive ass when in fact I'm more likely being a sensitive ass. Kind of like the Harry Connick Jr. character in P.S. I Love You:

"Sorry, I have a syndrome. I don't really have a filter. I don't pick up on social cues"

"You mean you're rude"

"Yeah but now it's a disease I can get medication for it"

6. A frequent search for high stimulation.

At first I thought that this doesn't apply. Then I started thinking about things a bit more. A great deal of my life is pretty much one crisis after another with small breaks in between. Now, that's not stimulation like sky diving, or speed boating and car racing; the kind of stimulation one thinks of but it is stimulating. I have to admit that.

This hit me like a hammer to the head this morning as it all occurred to me. And its got my thoughts reeling.

I tend to subscribe to the thinking that we create our own lives by what we focus on. And as I suggested in my New Years post, I tend to worry. Worry breeds the worrisome. Thus...seeking stimulation.

7. An intolerance of boredom.

I always have to have something happening. A movie, music, podcasts on the subway ride. A magazine. A book. I can't ride the subway without something to keep occupied with or I get fidgety.


There's more. I'll continue tomorrow and likely the day after.